


Love Is Paranoid

by our_black_heart



Series: Back Door Man AU [4]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Affairs, Back Door Man, Cheating, Divorce, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 14:13:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2272794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/our_black_heart/pseuds/our_black_heart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank and Gerard have run out of time. Decisions have to be made.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Is Paranoid

**Author's Note:**

> Love is Paranoid is my absolutely favorite Distillers song. It's really fantastic and you should all definitely listen to it.

Frank shrugs on his long sleeve and jacket, he puts on his pants and he suddenly regrets everything because it’s 3:32 in the morning and Ed is going to be pissed as fuck when he gets home. For the last few months Frank has been living two separate lives and neither of them seem real, they both seem like some kind of distant dream that he can wake up from at any time and honestly sometimes he wishes he could. For the most part though, Frank has been the happiest he’s been in years. 

But this was bad, this was really bad. Frank didn’t expect to lose track of time like he had and now that he’s fully aware of just how much time he lost track of he is shitting bricks. He doesn’t know exactly how Ed’s going to react but he’s sure it’s not going to be pleasant. 

When Frank finally gets home, after sitting outside in his car for fifteen minutes, Ed is asleep in their bed. He’s wearing his pajamas and he even made himself some coffee, it was as if Frank hadn’t left in the first place. Things were normal and Frank was feeling on top of the world, like he had gotten away with something. 

He took his jacket and shirt off along with his shoes and pants and climbed into bed. Man was he exhausted. He and Gerard had gone at it one more time before he left and now he was as exhausted as he could ever be and he just wanted to sleep. As soon as his head rested itself on the pillow he began to drift off into sleep and then he felt something weirdly familiar. He felt Ed’s arm reach out for him and pull him into a warm, sleepy embrace. Ed unconsciously nuzzled his head in the crook of Frank’s neck and just hummed happily. Frank felt the disgusting amount of guilt rise up from his core to his throat and he cried. He just silently cried because he’d gotten himself into a terrible mess and he wished his life was different, but it wasn’t. He wished that he wasn’t so happy with Gerard but he was, he wished that Ed could always be as pleasant as he was right now and that he was happy with him, but he wasn’t. But most of all Frank wished that none of this had ever happened because then maybe his life would be a tad bit easier. 

That night Frank had dreams of arguments and fights. He had nightmares actually and most left him teary eyed and awake within the hour. And even through the tears there was a warm arm wrapped securely around him. Once during the night, Ed had woken up to the sound of Frank crying and when he asked him what was wrong, Frank just cried some more and Ed just held him closer and pressed a kiss to his neck. Those kisses had reminded Frank why he had fallen in love with Ed in the first place. Ed was warm when Frank needed him to be. But at that moment all he could think of were the kisses he shared with Gerard that afternoon. Those didn’t feel warm, those felt real. 

That morning Ed was worried about Frank, but he claimed that he couldn’t stay home because he had work and he had to be there today. Frank agreed that Ed should go and that he was fine, just feeling under the weather. So Ed kissed his head and brought him some orange juice before he took off and Frank felt even worse. 

Frank was on edge all day, everything set him off on fits of rage or sadness and they were as extreme as they were futile. Frank had to do something about everything and he had no idea how he was going to go about this. But he moped around the house in his pajamas thinking up situations in his head and then thinking up solutions to every possible situation and nothing worked out because nothing gave him what he wanted. He was running out of sanity to hold him together and he needed to be alone and figure this out. At that realization his phone began to ring. 

“Gerard?” Gerard thought the tone was off and he was seriously worried that Ed had hurt Frank, but these were all assumptions and he couldn’t see for himself through the telephone whether or not Frank was fine. 

“Hey Frank, are you alright?” 

“Yeah, I just…just need you to stop calling for a while…” Gerard said nothing. “Okay?” Gerard’s end of the phone was still silent and Frank was swallowing a nerve big enough to choke on. “Can you do that Gerard?” 

“Frank, are you okay? Can I see you soon?”

“Gerard, no. Okay? I need some time.” 

“I’m coming over Frank, you sound sick or something…”

“Gerard! NO! Listen to me very closely because I’m only going to say this once. I need to think some things out. Bye.” He hung up and he didn’t expect to answer the phone again for a while, maybe days, maybe weeks. He just needed to think. 

When Ed came home that day he had a stack of familiar papers under his hand and Frank’s eyes widened to an unbelievable level. 

“Oh my god, where did you get those!?” 

Ed had a stack of letters that he had sent to Frank early on in their relationship and a bunch of Frank’s first poems. The last place Frank had seen any of those was at his mom’s house about six years ago. 

“I had an early day at work and just y’know you’ve been under the weather lately and different and I thought I’d do something to cheer you up.” He shrugs as if it had been absolutely nothing that he’d driven an hour to Frank’s mom’s house to dig in the attic for some things long forgotten. 

“You were really good at the poetry thing, Frank. I almost forgot about that. It was one of the things I first noticed about you.”

Frank just smirks because he fucking knows he was good at it. 

That night they spend time reading over everything and discussing the past. They talk about how awful their wedding was and about how it didn’t really matter because it was everything they wanted. Frank reads through his poetry and he can’t even recognize the person that he used to be, he was different now and nothing could change that. But it didn’t change the fact that he was good, Frank was very good. Reading through the poetry now, made him realize that he was really just reading a stranger’s good poetry. 

Ed smiles at him and Frank appreciates him for the first time in years and he reads the poetry aloud to him and Ed still smiles at him as if he still knows the person who had written the poetry. As if Frank was still that person. 

A few weeks pass and Gerard still hasn’t gathered the courage to go see Frank and every time he calls Frank just sends the call to voicemail right away. Gerard is getting really desperate and he’s starting to fear that maybe Frank just didn’t want to see him again. Maybe Frank and his husband Ed had worked things out and were happier than ever, maybe Gerard was just a game to Frank. 

Before Gerard could sink further into a bad depression he decided to go see his brother Mikey. Mikey was so not happy about what Gerard had told him, in fact he was downright upset that Gerard even agreed to have sex with a married man. Gerard knew better than that, at least that’s what Mikey kept saying during his lecture. 

“Gerard, you knew this was gonna fuck you up from the beginning. I didn’t even know you had gone home with a married man that night, but you didn’t go home with just any married man, you went home with Ed’s husband. ED! Gerard, that guys an asshole!” 

“Mikey, I know that now. Frank is just so…ahhhh he’s so everything. Like everything rad in life, Frank is that but magnified.”

Mikey just scoffs and rubs at his temple. 

“You really fucked up, Gerard. You’re like a home wrecker or something.”

Gerard just smirks. 

“No, Mikey, I’m a back door man.” 

Mikey laughs because that was kind of funny and he loves his stupid brother to death and it’s not like Gerard isn’t always in trouble because of his good looks and charming personality. 

“That’s not any better, Gerard. You know that right?”

“Yeah, I’m starting to get that.” They both lay in a comfortable silence and for whatever reason Mikey knows Gerard’s not going to give up and maybe just maybe, this Frank guy really is different. 

“Frank’s just…he’s just so good.”

“At what?”

“Everything, Mikey, everything.” Mikey rolls his eyes because Gerard’s got it bad. “He like shows me things that he’s never shown his husband. Like sides of himself that he’s never shown his husband.” Mikey is quiet for the first time in their conversation and Gerard just needs to say things that he’s wanted to say for a while now but hasn’t had the guts to say.

“Frank’s husband doesn’t know that Frank is rebellious, he thinks he’s some obedient, little thoughtless person. He also doesn’t know that Frank was really into photography when he was younger. Oh! He doesn’t know that Frank was in a band with his dad when he lived with him for the summer after high school. They were really good, Mikey, you should look them up. Frank’s husband doesn’t know that Frank got a new tattoo! He has one right bellow his neck on his back, I drew it for him! It’s a pumpkin.” Gerard grew distant as he traced the pumpkin in the air with his finger, as detailed as he could remember it. “I really like Frank.” 

“Gerard.” Mikey whispered as he came closer to him.

“What?” 

“Go get him before it’s too late and you lose him forever.” Mikey got up from his spot on the ground and went to get Gerard his keys and his jacket. 

Gerard looked up at his brother with large, frightened eyes and he almost looked childlike. But he was out the door within seconds. 

When Gerard got to Frank’s front door he had no idea what he was going to do or how, but he knew that he had to do it now or he’d never have the chance to do it again. 

When Gerard knocks on the door, he doesn’t know what to expect. It’s eight at night and anyone could open the door, it could be Frank it could be Ed. He doesn’t know and that seems like the least important thing that he’s ever going to remember because that doesn’t matter as long as he gets to tell Frank what he wants to tell Frank. 

He knocks and no one answers. He continues to knock for at least an hour and no one answers. He decides that maybe it wasn’t worth it and maybe it was a mistake when he notices that there is a car pulling up into the driveway and he sees both Ed and Frank in the car. Frank looked absolutely mortified. 

As soon as the car stops, Gerard is on his way to the passenger seat and he’s ready and he’s set on what he’s going to say, but when he gets there all he can do is open the door and wait for Frank to stumble out with a horrified expression. 

“I…” But Ed cuts him off. He’s starting at Gerard with a seriously confused expression and Gerard doesn’t know what to say. 

“What the fuck is going on here, Frank?” Ed looks over from Frank to Gerard and then back to Frank again. 

“It’s just that, this is, I…and I…Well…”

“Ugh, I’m Gerard and I must be sorely mistaken. I had mistaken Frank for someone else, someone I knew. My bad, I’m so sorry for disrupting.” Ed’s face calmed and lightened and he almost looked sorry for Gerard. Because Gerard was the idiot that had mistaken Ed’s husband for someone else, or so Ed thought. 

“Oh! Haha, that’s kind of funny. You scared me there for a second Gerard. Whoa what a misunderstanding.” Ed smiles at him and Gerard was beyond heartbroken now. He had given up on everything he had ever wanted with Frank in that very moment and every moment they spent together did seem like a dream then, one that was good but one that he knew he wouldn’t get to escape into anymore. His own fake smile faltered and his breath was coming out rough and excited, he was on the verge of tears and he didn’t know what to do other than run, but before he could he felt a grip on his wrist. 

When Gerard turned Frank’s eyes looked bewildered, as if he himself didn’t know what he was doing. As if holding onto Gerard was an instinct, rather than a desire. But it was both and Frank knew that deep down. 

“Ed, I haven’t been honest with you. Not lately and definitely not within the last four years.” Ed looks at Frank now and he’s definitely not smiling anymore. “I’ve been seeing Gerard, behind your back. Not only have I been seeing him, but I’ve been having sex with him. I haven’t been having sex with you, because I’ve been having sex with him. And…and I’ve been kind of happy with him.” Frank stops and he almost looks as terrified as he looks certain and Gerard just doesn’t know where this will end up, but he’s glad that Frank hasn’t let go of his wrist yet. 

Ed surges forward to hit Gerard and Frank gets in the way. Ed would never hit Frank, no matter how much of an asshole he was. He did love Frank and he realized that he had lost him that night that he had returned home only to see it empty and Frank-less. 

Frank finally lets go of Gerard’s wrist and he looks him dead in the eye. 

“You should go, Gerard.”

“Frank, but…” 

“Just go.” Frank sounded desperate and he sounded defeated and Gerard swore there was a silent please attached to Frank’s words. So he climbed into his car and drove away. He swore that if he didn’t see Frank again, on Frank’s own accord then he wouldn’t go looking for him. He’d just let it be. 

Two weeks later Gerard was arriving at his apartment. He hadn’t seen Frank in exactly two weeks and he had promised himself that he’d move on, that was all he could do. He was returning home from Mikey’s he had some left overs in his hand and as he unlocked his apartment he dropped his jacket by the door. He padded his way into the kitchen to see a figure hunching over at the table. 

“Frank?”

It was dark, but Gerard would know that figure anywhere. Gerard turned on the lights. 

“Hey.” Frank had a small smile on his face. A sad small smile. 

He immediately jumped to check on Frank. He checked his face, his chin, his eyes, his head and everything seemed to be intact. 

“Frank are you okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just a little tired. Y’know, divorce papers and all that.” Gerard nods and he’s just so thankful that Frank is in his apartment. 

“So, divorce, huh?” He cringed. Frank hated divorces, because Frank’s parents had gotten a divorce early on in his life. 

“Yeah. It just seemed fitting. I wasn’t all there, in that relationship anymore.” 

“Yeah, you look tired. Really tired.”

“I moved back in with my mom, I’ve been going back and forward a lot.” 

“I’m really sorry, Frank. I had to do it. I would have gone insane if I hadn’t done it.” 

“I don’t blame you, Gerard. I wanted it as much as you did. I was as much a part of it as you.” 

They both nod in agreement. 

“How’d you get in here?” Gerard never recalled giving Frank a key to his apartment. 

“Uhh, it’s actually a really funny story. See, I wanted to come through your back door and tell you that I was absolutely in love with you and then I wanted to fuck you through your couch, but then I realized that you didn’t have a back door and that you probably weren’t home. So I came in through your bathroom window and well, here I am.” 

Gerard smirks that all knowing smirk that had irritated Frank back at that stupid work party. 

“You were trying to be a back door man.” Frank nods and they both laugh. Gerard reaches across the table to put his hands over Franks and they don’t feel warm, Frank thinks.  
They feel real and for the first time in months, even years, he doesn’t feel like he’s in a dream anymore. He feels alive. 

“Let’s promise to never get married, okay Frankie?” Frank laughs some more, like it’s fucking contagious, he walks over to the other side of the table where Gerard is and he stands behind his chair. Frank puts his chin on Gerard’s head and he kisses the shiny silver hair. 

“M’kay, let’s not ever get married, Gerard.” Frank extends his hand out and Gerard takes it, because he would follow Frank anywhere. But luckily for him, anywhere meant his bedroom because Frank intended on making good on the second part of his plan, couch or not.

**Author's Note:**

> I have had so much fun with this. I think it is the first series I've ever completed and I'm kind of proud. Also it's totally different than a lot of the other things I write, but again, it was fun. I really hope you guys like the end. I worked semi-hard on this. I hope it's good enough and as always I really enjoy feedback. Please feel free to leave comments. And I hope you like the entire series. Thanks for reading. XO  
> P.S: I'm going to eventually edit all of the mistakes out of this, just really tired and I had to get this chapter out of me. Sorry.


End file.
